You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
