I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
