so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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