This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
