I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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