I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
