Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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