life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
