9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Randomize
