i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
