shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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