I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
