You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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