Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
