1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
