Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
