I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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