Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
