Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
