hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
