We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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