you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
