Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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