i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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