would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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