good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
