I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
