Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
They took my balls.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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