you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
