the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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