so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
