she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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