Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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