how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
