Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Randomize
