I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
