somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
