omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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