In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
