Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
