so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
