I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
