I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
