TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
