in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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