JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
