dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
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