and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
