Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
