Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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