is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
